The moon whispers of her nuance, her hidden places
and her sovereignty over night, as the night hawk flies I hear
the cries and wonder at the solitude of her flight.
Morning comes with the sweet mutterings of sparrows
and the flowers turn their head eastward anticipating light.
You will have to drag me kicking and screaming because my love resides
with the rocks and the trees and my lover’s creaky knees
and as the rattlesnake’s percussion speeds the beating of my heart
I will give up the ghost only to marvel at the mystery of daylight.
Posted in appreciation, Earth, life, love, nature
Tagged belonging, day, death, ghost, life, love, nature, night, rattlesnake, rocks, tree
I don’t remember if I said goodbye to you at all. I was away, so far
and living the dream, a sordid tale, the novella you would abhor. You,
who had the sweetest heart in later years, your thick glasses
blowing up your eyes into enormous moons to witness the travesty.
I did not witness the Mass, I did not go to the grave site, I did not
mourn with my mother. She lost you and I did not mourn. I lost you,
and I did not mourn. Forgive me, please. Born a fool, known a fool, and yet
you loved me, prayed for me in the darkness and the quiet of the faithful night.
Could you ever know how I remember you with such heavy heart and mourn
for you so deeply now? Decades it’s taken me, decades since you’ve been gone.
I won’t forget, I never have.
You taught me to count, to pronounce those words so full of consonants.
There was no molding here, this was life that traversed an ocean, this was
life that knew no borders, this was a wish upon a very distant star.
If I could thank you (did I ever?) now I would. Sweet and strong, you were
my champion, my teacher, my soulful song. I would be a worthy human being
were I half the woman you shared with the world. I fear I am barely half
the woman you were, one quarter the woman that sprang from your loins.
And yet, I strive, full of hope and determination – the legacy
of the pioneering heart.
Posted in alienation, Apathy, belonging, Community, Contemplations, Death, family, Health, Poetry, Respect, Responsibility, Uncategorized
Tagged bravery, death, dedication, family, farewells, forgiveness, guilt, legacy, strength, wisdom
Please take the time to watch this. It is inspirational.
the way you think you should.
As a child I wished that the people around me understood me.
As a teenager I wished that I understood myself.
As a young adult I wished that I understood the world.
As a middle aged woman I finally understood that it was all up to me.
All of it.
I had help along the way, of course…
A priest who, while I was having a very public personal crisis, fell asleep on the couch after drinking too much whiskey with my father, and who, through his ineptitude, affirmed for me that I was, like it or not, on my own.
A high school art teacher who despised me and my work, and another high school art teacher who liked my work. (My thanks to both of you.)
A total stranger who soothed me while I wept uncontrollably on a curb on Sea Cliff Avenue, and kept repeating to me that it was okay. I finally believed her enough to get up and walk away.
A sister in law who had the guts to say to me, “When are you going to stop blaming your parents for everything?”
A friend who said to me, “You have a chip on your shoulder the size of Gibraltar; when the fuck are you going to lighten up?”
Numerous people who told me, “You wanna play, you gotta pay.”
An ex lover who told me to get into therapy because she couldn’t possibly be the source of my happiness in life.
Trungpa Rinpoche who came up with the concept of “idiot compassion” and laid out the dangers of being an enabler and of being enabled in a fresh way.
Todd Rundgren who kept me believing that there really is a Love of the Common Man, and Jackson Browne who convinced me that it was important to sit “thinking about Everyman”.
Joni Mitchell who taught me that a woman could be clever and brave and outspoken and intelligent and articulate (and also play a mean Jazz guitar).
A few former employers who assured me that I really should work for myself because I definitely don’t like being told what to do.
My father who taught me to have principles and be steadfast in upholding them.
My mother who showed me that gentleness is strength.
And somewhere, deep inside me, I helped myself along the way. I found the woman of my dreams and the good sense to not sabotage that relationship.
And finally, my numerous furry friends over the years have shown me what unconditional love really looks like- so, in a sense they trained me.
Posted in alienation, Apathy, belonging, Community, Contemplations, family, Health, psychotherapy, rage, Respect, Responsibility, Uncategorized, Wellness
Tagged adolescence, Buddhism, childhood, confessions, courage, Father, idiot compassion, Jackson Browne, Joni Mitchell, middle aged, Mother, reflections, self awareness, Todd Rundgren, Trungpa Rinpoche, unconditional love, understanding, young adulthood
So many have gone now, and taken small chunks out of my heart. I dream about them
sometimes, and smile upon the memory, and sadden at the reality.
Could it be that we shall meet again on some bright day? Each have walked
this crooked road at different bends with me. I shall raise a glass
to all of our bitter smiles and our sweet tears. Goodnight and joy be to you all.
Posted in belonging, Community, Contemplations, Death, family, Health, Poetry, Respect, Uncategorized
Tagged death, farewell, joy, life, peace of mind, reunion
My heart seeks the deep grey sea, gulls flying and screaming, shells jamming their smooth edges between my toes. Grasses swaying in a humid breeze and sand dancing
a waltz with the tide.
That horizon there, is a meeting I will never know, could only dream about. The sickle moon hanging above my head, sending only a small shiver across the face of the water. Fishes sleep.
At the bottom of the ocean there are creatures that dwell in darkness. Do they see so much more than me?
Posted in belonging, Community, Contemplations, family, Health, Poetry, Uncategorized, Wellness
Tagged darkness, grasses, gulls, horizon, sea, shiver, sight, tide, yearning